Lately I’ve been internally stressing over losing a lot of my family members, the most difficult being my dad. Sure, it hurts to lose a loved one. But that’s not where I’m coming from. The emptiness of the loss is one thing, but having a chunk of your family core removed from your life by the age of 34 is another thing.
When growing up my family visited my grandparents (my step mom’s family) every single weekend. Even after I left home I’d still go for lunch on Sunday quite often. Sunday after Sunday was filled with family conversation, laughter and bonding. Thanksgiving & Christmas day were always spent at Nana and Grandpa’s as well. Those memories are warm and even somewhat magical.
My nana passed away when I was in my early 20′s, roughly 8 years ago. The family came together more to support my grandpa and eventually life took over and became normal again. Sundays even grew some due to the kids forming relationships, getting married and I even had the first grandchild.
At the time McKenzie was born my step mom and dad were going through a divorce after being married for 20 years. I knew life was going to be different, I just had no clue how much different. When my dad died it left a gaping hole where a grandpa should be. I still look at my kids and my eyes fill with tears, my dad should have had a chance to know them. They should have had years of memories of him picking at them, being silly with them and loving them. It seems so unfair.
Less than a year after I lost my dad my grandmother went to join him in Heaven. She had been in a nursing home for some time. She had dementia and I didn’t visit because I (selfishly) wanted my memories of her to be those of her knowing who I was. Her passing didn’t effect me as strongly as losing my nana and my daddy did.
Just recently, while I was on a family vacation in Florida, I got a call that my grandpa had died. After discussing it with Tony we decided to finish our last day and a half of vacation and come home as scheduled. I hated having to miss my grandpa’s funeral.
There were consequences for the decision my husband and I made. My step mom wasn’t happy that I missed her daddy’s funeral. It’s been a little over a month and I’m praying that one day our relationship will be restored and that I will be forgiven for the choice that was made.
Now what?
The foundation of my life isn’t just crumbling, it’s virtually gone.
My children are only two and four. I never thought I’d be the “beginning” point to my kid’s lives. What I knew growing up (multiple grandparents and was even lucky enough to have multiple parents) my kids will miss out on. My stomach turns and my heart aches!
I’m thankful for the family that is still here, though I wish we weren’t so estranged. I’m also greatly thankful for those of my friends who spend massive amounts of quality time with my kids and love them as if their own family, it helps to make up for what’s lacking.
Most of all I’m thankful that I live a life dedicated to the Lord. I know He’ll provide and our lives will be fulfilled. Even though it feels like all I’ve ever known is slipping away my kids are experiencing their own “all I’ve ever known” and they will live satisfying lives. God is all the family any of us need!
