Losing Myself

I’m not really sure how people perceive me on the surface.  The obvious- I’m an overweight girl with brown, highlighted, shoulder length hair, who has hazel eyes and is in need of a tan.  Talk to me once, or twice, and find that I tend to talk a lot, too much even.  And you may quickly pick up that I am silly and sarcastic, yet I have an easy-going nature.

My surface appearance might portray me as a simple person, with simple wants and simple desires.  But on the inside I am constantly struggling with how I’m supposed to act and with who I really am.

If the surface were peeled away the secret of thinking people look at me badly and wanting to change myself for others, so that I will be liked, would be revealed.  Everyone would know that I dwell on insignificant things that are supposed to fill some void that’s been lacking for as long as I can remember. 

At one point I decided I wanted to find myself.  (I was searching for that change that would lead me to a fulfilling life, one filled with friends and entertainment.)  I needed to get it together, grab life by the reins and take control!  It took a few years but eventually I managed to find myself walking through the doors of Eastridge Community Church.  The message on how to find peace in your life felt like it was written just for me.

During the last 4 1/2 years I quit trying to be in control and have started living the life story that God has already written for me.  Becoming a Christian didn’t give me the life I thought I wanted, it opened the door to the life I’m supposed to be living!   

Today’s message was on different types of Christians, and what was considered “normal” .  An idea of living a “new normal” was presented, which involves Christians to live as disciples who have the character of Jesus, who are hungry for Jesus and who make an impact on culture.   Once again I was directly spoken to, which isn’t so uncommon these days. 

I no longer want to find myself.  I have gotten a better understanding and I’m not so sure I like what I’m learning.

Now I want to have an attitude more like Paul’s…

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord… I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death… Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus gtook hold of me.”  Philippians 3:8,10,12 (NIV)

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  Galatians 2:20 (NIV)

(I thank God for giving Scott the right passages to use, and the right words to say.)

I know that when I finally get my every breathing moment focused on being Jesus’ hands and feet, when he is able to live through me as if my body were his own, then the trivial issues I deal with now will no longer hold any meaning.  Instead I will be wanting to peel away my layers and grant full exposure to my innermost thoughts!

I want to lose myself!

Advertisement